Oh God not another rant about Mary sues!
by Hazana
Summary: Elrond calls a secret meeting to discuss a serious problem... Legolas' fans and their fanfiction. NEW: Interview with Gollum... and I learn how to spell interview!
1. A very important meeting

This is just a short fic/rant that I came up with while looking around fanfiction.net. I needed a way to vent my rage because this annoys is something that annoys me. It's kinda silly and short, as you can probably see I'm not Legolas' biggest fan. If I offend anyone I'm sorry. BOROMIR ALL THE WAY BABY!  
  
I don't own any of these characters. They belong to Tolkien and New line cinema.  
  
The problem... that belongs to everyone.  
  
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Elrond had called a secret meeting, to which he invited all of the fellowship minus Legolas and whoever else it concerned.  
  
"Now," he began, rising from his elegant elven chair "I think we all know why we're here. We have to discuss this fanfiction problem, as much as we all hate it... People from earth LIKE Legolas.... alot. Does anyone have anything to add? Evidence?"  
  
Gandalf *ahemed* and stood up. "Have any of you been on fanfiction.net lately? Any of the fics that have Legolas in them, even the ones that are really badly written are getting hundreds of reveiws since the movies came out!"  
  
Everyone nodded and muttered. Aragorn stood up "He's taking my spotlight! And all the women! Have you seen the amount of fanfics there are where he's paired with Arwen? And all the Mary-Sues? Some of them are hot!"  
  
Arwen frowned and cursed under her breath. "Another thing about these Mary-Sues. They are always prettier than me! I'm Luthien's double for valars sake! Haven't those fangirls even read the books?"  
  
Elrond shook his head sadly. "Unfortunately not daughter. We are always out of character. I am always portrayed as the evil father."  
  
"And I as in love with Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam "I'm loyal! LOYAL!"  
  
"And I as a filthy weak willed human!" said Boromir wrinkling his nose.  
  
"And I as a crazy old man!" objected Gandalf.  
  
"So You see... It has to stop." concluded Merry.  
  
Elrond turns arong and directly adresses the readers.  
  
"People of earth, your storylines have been grossly overused! We have to read these fanfics you know! If we have to read one more fanfic where my other daughter (the one that doesn't actually exist in Tolkien's Middle Earth) joins the fellowship and falls in love with Legolas then we'll.... we'll... we'll take drastic action.  
  
Thankyou.  
  
Council dissmissed.  
  
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Sorry. That was short and bad. *slaps self* 


	2. Interview with The Lord of Rivendell

Wow... what I great responce! I'm glad there are others out there that feel the same way as I do! I LOVE you guys I really didn't expect that. Thankyou! Wow...  
  
So here's some more things that Elrond finds annoying. He agreed to give us an exclusive interview.  
  
Disclaimer: All these characters belong to Tolkien and New line. The problems... we only brought them upon ourselves.  
  
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ON HAZANA'S VERY OWN LOTR TV CHANNEL:  
  
Hazana: Hello and welcome. We are here in Rivendell to have a serious chat with Mr. Elrond Halfelven on this serious fanfiction problem: awful pairings. Welcome Elrond.  
  
Elrond: *nods*  
  
Hazana: So, what got you started campaigning against awful fanfiction?  
  
Elrond: The general awfulness, no effort goes into these fics and none of the pairngs are true to the books, it would seem.  
  
Hazana: Could you give us some examples of these pairings please Mr. Halfelven?  
  
Elrond: One of them is Aragorn/Legolas, people just can't exept that Aragorn loves my daughter and legolas is (suprisingly) *ahem* straight.  
  
Hazana: Do you have anymore examples?   
  
elrond: Sam/Frodo.   
  
It will never happen. Sam is LOYAL to Frodo not in love with him. Boromir/Aragorn.   
  
This happens only rarely but these fics do exist. Again it will never happen.  
  
Hazana: Haven't you complained before about how Mr. Boromir of Gondor is treated in Mary-Sue fics?  
  
Elrond: Yes, in fact in almost every Mary-Sue fic Boromir is used as a weak plot device, showing how normal humans cannot resist the ring but the 'perfect' Mary-Sue can.  
  
Hazana: What makes a fanfic awful?  
  
Elrond: Bad Spelling, Bad Plots, Bad Grammar, Self insertations...  
  
Hazana: Are there any exceptions?  
  
Elrond: Of course.  
  
Hazana: Tell me more.  
  
Elrond: There are some rare gems, in which the self insertation doesn't dominate all the scenes, these are proof read and spell checked, have a decent and original plot. Although, these are very very rare.  
  
Hazana: Which characters do you find are most commonly abused when people write these fics?  
  
Elrond: I would say, although I fear I would be reapeating myself: Gimli, Boromir, Me, Arwen, Sam amd Frodo, there are others, including people like Glorfindel who people tend to leave out all together.  
  
Hazana: Thank you Mr. Halfelven, Do you have anything else to add?  
  
Elrond: I think that just about covers it. Thankyou for listening.   
  
Hazana: Next time on my very own LOTR TV channel:  
  
An interview with Mr. Gimli the dwarf on how he feels he's being misstreated in fanfiction and fanart.   
  
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I met ELROND! Mwhaha! Go me! Wasn't I polite?  
  
Quite short but I can write short interviews better.  
  
I may write afew more of these interviews, like with people like Gimli and Boromir who people always write horribly and with people like Legolas (the book legolas not Orlando Bloom) giving him a chance to defend himself. Whattaya think? 


	3. Interveiw with a Dwarf

Hello and welcome to Hazana's very own news channel once again.  
  
*cue cheesy news programme music*  
  
I am here, back by demand to interview Mr. Gimli son of Gloin about how he feels he's being mistreated by Legolas's fangirls.   
  
Hazana: Gimli, welcome.  
  
Gimli: *nods*  
  
Hazana: So, why DO you think you're being mistreated?  
  
Gimli: Reading some of these fanfics the elf's fangirls have written I have to say I AM being mistreated. In these fics I am portrayed as an angry idiotic, totally unreasonable stubborn dwarf and just... really really mean.  
  
*eyes fill up with tears*  
  
Hazana: *ahem* Yes. Do their ideas have ANY foundation in truth?  
  
Gimli: Absolutely not. Their view of dwarves have been created by too many viewings of films such as "Snow white".  
  
Hazana: In fanfiction, which is worse, being portrayed like this while Mr. Greenleaf gets all the attention or being ignored and left out of the stories altogether?  
  
Gimli: Both are as bad as each other I suppose. These fangirls haven't yet been able to look past looks and see a guy for what he really is.  
  
Hazana: Their loss.  
  
Gimli: Thankyou. I suppose everyone hates getting ignored AND being mistreated this way so I think it only further proves that I'M the victim here!   
  
Hazana: Why do you think the fangirls choose to treat you this way?  
  
Gimli: *mumbles* vertically challenged.  
  
Hazana: *nods understandingly.* Do you blame this on Mr. Greenleaf?  
  
Gimli: That damn elf is just too popular for his own good.  
  
Hazana: We're going to be interveiwing him next. Is there anything you'd like to say to him?  
  
Gimli: Tell him that. He's too popular for his own good. That sounded intellectual.   
  
Hazana: That'll show 'em Gim.  
  
Gimli: *nods*  
  
Hazana: So there you have it a very brief interveiw with Mr. Gimli son of Gloin on why he's being mistreated. Now, as you probably know next we're going to be interveiwing Mr. Greenleaf at his home in Mirkwood. I know you're all very exited *I wonder why?* So we've decided to make it an extra long episode for your reading pleasure. To help us with this we'd appreiciate it if you'd send in some questions. If you want to send in questions reveiw this story and add them at the end of your review. All questions will be answered... GUARANTEED!   
  
*ahem* Thankyou.  
  
*cue cheesy music again* 


	4. Interview with a MarySue Magnet

Disclaimer: Same as before.  
  
  
  
Gimli thanks you all for your sympathy and Hazana thanks you all for your comments and apologises for the delay....  
  
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Tonight on Hazana's very own TV channel:  
  
We have a very special interview with a very special elf and I don't mean Movie-verse Legolas! I mean the one, the only: Prince Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood!  
  
*cheers*  
  
Oh and by the way this show has been recorded in front of a live audience!  
  
*cheesy canned laughter*  
  
Hazana: Welcome Mr. Greenleaf.  
  
Legolas: *nods*  
  
Hazana: So, first we have some questions that have been sent into us by Little-lost-one. Thankyou little-lost-one!  
  
1. What is the airspeed velocity of an un-laden swallow?  
  
Legolas: I'm a blonde so I'm not going to even attempt that one.   
  
Hazana: It has come to my knowledge that Blondes are incredibly smart people.  
  
Legolas: Blonde people maybe. I'm an elf.  
  
Hazana: Good point. Ok. Speaking of blondes...  
  
2. Are you a natural blonde?  
  
Legolas: Yes. I can drop my tights and show you if -   
  
Hazana: *cringes* That I did not need to hear.   
  
Legolas: Are you mad? There's not many girls who'd refuse that offer.  
  
Hazana: I'm not normal. Beleive me. If you were Michael Jackson maybe but...  
  
Legolas: Next question!  
  
Hazana: Ok... moveing swifty on...  
  
3. Was it your fault that Gollum escaped from Mirkwood?  
  
Legolas: No.  
  
Hazana: Are you sure?  
  
Legolas: It wasn't me! It was the first guard on the left!... Possibly the squirrels...  
  
Hazana: Those fangirls really have driven you mad huh?  
  
Legolas: *nods sadly*  
  
Hazana: Ok... next question...  
  
4. Are you friends with the twins, Elladan and Elrohir?  
  
Legolas: Yes... Good friends. They're both very mischecious, Very good pranksters. There was this one time where they switched Arwen's dresses and their father's robes and somehow got them both to wear them and go to dinner without noticing... *wipes tear from eye* Good times... good times...  
  
Hazana: As much as I love these little trips down memory lane...  
  
5. Why did you replace Glorfindel in the cheesy 70's cartoon of the fellowship of the ring?  
  
Legolas: There was a dispute over pay. Maybe If he'd done that one for free he'd be where I am now...  
  
Hazana: *ahem* So you worked for free and he didn't? Are you sure you didn't just want to steal his part?   
  
Legolas: It seems like everybody wants to steal his part. Correct me if I'm wrong but hasn't Arwen done exatly the same thing?  
  
Hazana: She's a better actress than you anyway...  
  
Legolas: No... I'm a much better actress than her!  
  
Hazana: Huh...*shrugs* Anyway...  
  
6. What is the answer to everything?  
  
Legolas: Um...Something. Something is the answer to everything.... maybe 42. Where are you getting these questions?  
  
Hazana: Never mind... next question...  
  
7. What do you think about Mary sues?  
  
Legolas: *sips on his drink* I think that all they want is Orlando Bloom. Nice guy, too many fans.   
  
Hazana: What's the difference between movie-verse you and non movie-verse you? You both look the same.  
  
Legolas: You haven't seen the rest of me...  
  
Hazana: STOP doing that. I've told you once. Michael Jackson or nothing.   
  
8. Why do you think there are so many Legomances?  
  
Legolas: Everyone hates legomances but everyone wants to write them. I personally think that people should keep their fantasies off the internet and back in their heads where they belong.   
  
Hazana: *nods*  
  
9. What do you think of Legolas/Aragorn stories?   
  
Legolas: Well... I hate them. Just because I have long blonde hair, take baths and like chick flicks doesn't mean I'm gay... and Aragorns married. And filthy. Yep.  
  
Hazana: What else is wrong with that pairing?  
  
Legolas: Well just say that I was with Aragorn. If I became king of Mirkwood he'd be my king and there'd be two king's of Mirkwood and now he's the king of Gondor I'd be his king and there'd be two kings of Gondor. It just wouldn't work.  
  
Hazana: I've never heard it put that way. Are there any good Legolas/Aragorn?  
  
Legolas: I'm sure alot of them are very good, I just tend not to read them.   
  
Hazana: ok.  
  
10. Are you afraid of Mary-Sues?  
  
Legolas: Terrified... they're everywhere...they're worse than orcs, worse than gollum or any other terrible monsters. In fact I'm about to go into hiding in -   
  
*A deep rumbling is heard*  
  
Hazana: Oh god...  
  
Legolas: They're coming...  
  
Hazana: Our Fangirl/Mary-sue barrier has broken and we are about to be stampeded...  
  
Legolas: RUN!  
  
*They drop everything and run*  
  
From the audience:  
  
Gollum: *sitting with a cold beverage and a screw driver* There's no mary-sueses for poor smegol... We'ses going to make the nasssty elveses lives living hells... my preciousss...  
  
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*Gasp!*... are these random interveiws actually going to develop into a plot?   
  
Nassty bad gollum for breaking our Fangirl/Mary-Sue barrier!  
  
Who shall I interveiw next?   
  
Hazana  
  
xxx 


	5. Interview with the recently deceased

Disclaimer: Same as before, it doesn't belong to me won't in a million years.

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Hazana: (Talking to herself before the cameras go on) I am calm. I am professional. I am not a fan girl at all. I will keep my composure and give a good interview. I will not sing love songs, recite ballads or remove any of my clothing. I am calm.

Cameras come on

Hazana: Hello and welcome to another interview in this series about the atrocities faced by fan fiction readers and the innocent (well most of them) population of middle earth. Sorry it took so long but Gollum broke the Fan girl/Mary sue barrier. It took a good few months... over half a year to fix... and we still haven't found the little slinker. Today, we're back and I'm going to talk to Mr. Boromir of Gondor about being a misused plot device and generally unappreciated character. Also we'd like to know how he managed to lug that bloomin' great shield so far without wanting to throw it off a cliff.  
Welcome Boromir.

Boromir: (Nods)  
Hazana: (giggles girlishly) He nodded!

(Suddenly a screw driver flies through the air and hits her full on in the face)

Disembodied voice: Get on with it! (CoughhackGollum)

Hazana: (Shakes fist) Damn you disembodied voice!  
Boromir: You do know it's Gollum right?

Hazana: (Stares for a second blankly) Of course! But did you know that if you take the first letter of each word of Boromir of Gondor it spells BOG?

Boromir: ...  
Hazana: Ok, being serious, what are your views on Mary Sues and all related...things?  
Boromir: At first I could tolerate the fact that there weren't as many Mary Sues being written with me as the love interest, but then, then when the craze really took off there were thousands being written about Aragorn and Legolas... I was really very angry. I was always the big meanie in the background.

Hazana: So this is a vanity thing?  
Boromir: Yes, really stunted my confidence. Drove me to suicide in fact.  
Hazana: Really?  
Boromir: Yes, my death, it was a suicide. You couldn't tell? You really think I'd let an overgrown orc beat me?

Hazana: Wow, This is a really startling discovery. Boromir of Gondor's death is directly linked to Mary Sues and all their evil. Wait... If you're dead how are you here? Boromir: The magic of fan fiction. Duh.  
Hazana: Don't duh me you big meanie!  
Boromir: Oh my God it's happening again! Why am I always the big meanie in fanfics? Can someone out there please do something about that!

(Silence for a second, then suddenly the lights all go out)

Hazana: Damn it Gollum!  
Gollum (From somewhere above in the roof): We wantses an interview we does!  
Hazana: Fine! We can negotiate a deal if you stop messing up my serious fan fic rant!

(Disembodied Snickers)

Hazana: What?

* * *

Right so I guess... Gollum interviewed next. Any questions anyone wants to ask him, you know, just out of interest?  
Oh yeah and I know it's been a while since I last updated. I just... Ok so I got Lazy. Sue me. No wait, don't sue me I don't have any money. It's not worth the trouble. 


	6. Interview with the slipperiest slinker: ...

Disclaimer: Same as always.

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Chapter 6, in which Hazana confronts Gollum and starts writing in a different format because apparently writing in script is illegal. Thankyou for bringing that to my attention Legolas's girl 9. (And to answer your other question, the Michael Jackson thing started as an in joke between my friends and I. History became legend, legend became myth and now no one's really sure what's going on there. Not even me.) Anyway I'm reformed from the script thing now. Don't jail me. 

Wow... Such a long title...

"Anyway, emergency speech marks have been ordered and we're ready to start the show!" Hazana grins "I'm not good at writing like this and maybe I sound cheesy, but do I care? No, because this is about stopping bad self insert fan fiction and-"  
"Methinkses you're adding to the problem precious! Gollum!" Interrupts Gollum.  
"He has a point you know." Shrugged Boromir.

"Why are you still here?" Asked Hazana, confused. "Because you deliberately stole my car keys so that I couldn't get home." He replies eyes narrowed. "I've been here for over a week"  
"You don't have a car"  
"I do!" He protested. "It's a merc!"  
"You're from middle earth though!" She whined.  
"Then what did you just steal? My horse keys?"  
Gollum ahems politely, but immediately after begins to cough and hack, which sort of spoils his good manners. Hazana grudgingly hands Boromir his keys and watches him walk away, trying not to cry, cuddling her Boromir action figure (which is more painful that it sounds. Dumb, hard, plastic. I'll melt you...Yes...). She takes a deep breath and counts to ten before yelling, "Why do you hate me?"

"Gollum! Heses too goods for you!" Sings Gollum. "Too good for nasssty girl who makes us wear pantses!" Hazana chooses to ignore him. "That brings us nicely onto our first question"  
"Do you have a problem with running around naked?" Gollum shakes his head slowly. "Better than wearing these stupid jeanses." He stresses the last word with an absolute loathing. He coughs, which sounds rather painful. "Better to be able to move precious, oh yes. To feel the wind on our-"  
Hazana promptly cut him off. "What's it like to be Gollum?" She cried quickly. "Hard." He hissed. "Is that anything to do with fan fiction?" His expression changed, and became softer. "We'ses ignored. We'ses the enemy. We'ses always made fun of"  
Hazana nodded sympathetically as his expression hardened and he continued. "And Mary Sueses?" He spat on the floor and Hazana tripped over herself to save her john Galliano boots. Who cares if she could never afford John Galliano boots in real life, this is the wonderful world of fan fiction. "Mary Sueses we wants to wring their scrawny necks we does!" He paused for a second. "Because they upset master precious"  
"Yeessss, precious."

To be continued


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